All At Once
I saw a little video this week of Zach Cregger describing the dumb elf strategy of writing. Essentially it’s a motivating principle to help you get the first draft done no matter how terrible it is, because if you have any doubt or criticism, you remind yourself that you’re paying a dumb elf $10 to write you a first draft, so of course it’s bad. In the process you will hopefully find a few things that work, know what is not working, and in the balance you will have the momentum of your thing.
I think I’ve always been aware of this notion of just "getting it down", without worry of quality. That’s how I wrote my 50,000 word novel. But the reason I actually deleted that novel, is because none of the second level ideas ever came, about what should change (editing) and what should happen (plot). I don’t regret anything, but it’s the one piece of writing I’m happy I deleted. Because even in that first draft I kept myself from having fun. I had completely sapped the joy out of the writing, was constantly re-reading the dumb elf draft and feeling deflated, because though I had heard, I had yet to learn that being bad is part of the process and not an indictment.
This is one of the issues about being good at something from a young age, and the cultural praise that we give to artists as others. The average person will say, you're so talented I could never do that, and you begin to think that anything you write should be impressive. Inherently above average. You lose the idea that all talent only grows through work. And therefore in my noveldom, I should be coming up with ideas not just because that’s what writers do, but because that is the work. Sitting down and waiting until the fruits shake loose.
Sayings, techniques, lyrics, books, will pass by you many times in your life. Sometimes people will literally hand them to you and say this is specifically for you. But as always, you have to be ready for those ideas to break through your shell and motivate you. I think that’s where I'm at with my writing. I see an opportunity to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, how I wrote my novel 16 years ago) again, and this time really just enjoy the exercise. Not worry about whether or not I will disappoint my sophomore year English teacher by not becoming the next great American novelist.
That’s why also I’m thinking about going back to school for writing for the first time in my life. I literally had no interest in it, whether for a practical career change or just further degrees towards the higher education route. And I even felt sure I knew why. School had chafed against me. I didn’t like that once you figured out how to write a paper like your professor, you got A’s. I wanted to write my own crazy and creative and indisciplined papers and be acknowledged for my ability to think differently, with great enthusiasm, and endeavor. It was the story of my greater self-narrative, that I’m not easily influenced by others or overtly shaped by society broadly. That I, and not just me, deserve a little bit of leniency, maybe even some new rules. I didn't know how to consider what my fighting for independence could mean outside of the justification of its merits.
My brother introduced me to the idea that depression is majority derived from nurture over nature. It had always been for me, my father had depression and so I am prone to depression. My mother has anxiety and so I can get extremely anxious. My last therapist said I had grown so much in the time we had worked together, but I didn’t really feel all that different. The depression was still at the base of my belly, the anxiety was still waiting on the sides of my throat. Actually felt like nothing had been solved so much as the sun was shining soft for a spell. If anything, I could attribute my rosy cheeks to the little flame I had started taking in the morning (ADHD medication). When I said I thought I would always be affected by depression, she said that change would happen slowly, and then all at once. To me I was still at the happens slowly part. My next therapist made me feel like I was moving backwards at times, I felt like bickering with him over every little thing, even though so much of what he was saying was true. And it was really with him that I do feel like maybe the all at once is starting to happen.
And all at once doesn’t seem to just be happening in therapy. I feel a connection to writing again for the first time since college. With all the life experience in between to have deep feelings, principles, ideas, beliefs to rub against. To challenge or bring to light. There is no reconnection to writing without the work I did in therapy. The poems came from therapy, from the idea of being tired of talking about dating in the same way ad nauseam, not just because it kept reinforcing thought patterns that were keeping me stuck (“you’re not attractive” “you weird people out.” “You’re just not meant to have a partner”) but because I needed to reclaim all the good parts of dating, removed from their outcome.
And all at once I am venturing into the more traditional art world. I did a fundraiser last year and now have a group show in the fall. How did I get invited to that show? I did a craft show next to the artist who pitched it, and without her mentioning it, we talked effortlessly about grief and loss. I talked to her about how I am exploring my relationship to my dad through poetry, and how in some ways it's like a new chapter. Which left enough of an impression on her (plus we are just fast friends who have a lot in common) for her to invite me to pitch with her.
And finally, all at once, I went on a date last week, successfully. Something I can only say because for once in my life, I knew what I wanted to get out of the date (outside of outcome) before hand. I wanted to go in sober (I like to take like 1/4 an edible for nerves sometimes), work on managing my nerves the day of by not building up unhealthy expectations, and to stay present during the date, no matter how it went. And I did all those things, and wouldn’t you know reader. I had a fantastic date. I wasn’t performing, I was just existing, being present, engaging. Not obsessed with outcomes, with what to do, how to hold myself (the aftermath of that date was not as impressive on my part, but one step at a time).
Regardless I can report that I’m in a good place right now, not because “things are going well.” But because I am feeling like I have made real decisions to be most myself. To really face my demons honestly and without ego in therapy, in my work, and in my personal life. And see that maybe I tend to give too much of my time and worry to other people. Wanting certain things to prove to people that I am worthy of love, of attraction, of respect, of grace. And feeling that once I have those things, THEN, I can show everyone that I contain a little bit of magic.
That was where coding came from. Wanting to be a success in this world I don’t understand and understand a little too well. Of which I am obsessed and am missing important details. I wanted to make my mom happy, and be able to better participate in the world of the working. To be coupled and well-employed in a world that offers more to you for doing so. But it takes things away too.
At the end of the day, I am an artist. Doesn’t mean I can’t do a job, but coding, on top of being a receding industry, just wasn’t what I was meant to do. I was meant to make. In whatever form. One day and maybe soon I’ll have a job outside of the service industry, but I’d be really surprised if I wasn’t making something some way or another. When I have spent so much of my life feeling confused and overwhelmed, making has always been my North Star. Something I want to do because I feel compelled to. And I do it best when I am examining myself honestly.
And all at once Mousse appeared and brightened everything, who my co-worker predicted would be a “magic cat” that changes everything for me. I don't know that things will change that drastically, but I feel I am moving with a path in mind. Knowing that facing my demons is going to be ugly, because waiting this long has given them deep brain grooves, and really amplified their voices. But I think this is the work that is between me and what I want. And so I'm going to do it. And it will be slow at first, but then maybe I'll get there, when it starts coming together.
